An Ideal Indian In 2016

The glorious 67th year of our Republic is nigh. But the celebrations have been sullied by the increasing clout of the anti-national elements in our country. While the dreams of an ideal nation were fermented even before 1947, a large portion of the Indian population has never truly embraced it. The incredible surge in modernity and technological advancement has made us forget these ideals as relics of the past.

This has compelled me to offer the following updated guide of being an Ideal Indian in 2016.

Disclaimer: If you are an upper caste Hindu, offensively rich rural or urban Indian, Non-residential Indian, politician, or Subramaniam Swamy, these points are of no use to you. You have been pre-ordained with these blessed guidelines since birth. Non-Hindus, lower castes, middle class and poor Indians of Urban and Rural regions, and non-penile Indian homo sapiens do take note though.

Image Credit: AP / Biswaranjan Rout
1) Welcome our new guest- the French President Francois Hollande with the utmost respect. But if the epiphany of the vast cultural differences between the French and Indian cultures, with their blasphemous views on freedom of speech, life, arts, Voltaire etc. come up, adopt the grand Indian tradition of 'Never Minding Your Own Fucking Business'. If you are near a French National or simply have a Facebook account, do describe at length how the knowledge of Indian patriarchy and prudishness can help the French salvage their rotten lives. Also, offer advice on the terror and refugee threat faced by our French Allies. (If some ignorant fool starts questioning on 'Why India isn't helping out with the refugee crisis', mention our glorious past of never attacking any country or being an aggressor. Assert superiority over every nation.)

2) Be thankful that we live in a society where plenty of entertainment options are available. Do take full enjoyment of them from time to time to fulfill your 'weekend entitlement' of escaping boredom and reality for a couple of hours. But don't be fooled by them into thinking they are any exercises of 'arts' or 'freedom'. If anyone starts complaining, tell them to be thankful for not living in countries like China, Pakistan and Saudi Arabia. If you are 'afflicted' with a feminist progressive wife or snobbish friend who insists that the movies, music, TV Shows, books etc should be devoid of any sexist, racist or bigoted undertones which harness prejudices, reprimand them on an urgent basis.

3) Free speech and expression are offered in our great nation with practical caveats. A true Indian understands that religion, Bollywood, cricket, patriarchy, politics, famous personalities, food, Kashmir, Northeast, Indian Army,sexuality and other sensitive topics fall outside the ambit of free speech and living. Stay away from them and enjoy the censored and family-friendly entertainment our country has cherished for decades.

If anyone ever says something you disagree with, do feel free to give threats of violence after you have channeled Mr Anu Kapoor's perfect warnings (From 4: 23 if you are impatient) as shown below

 4) India is a supremely tolerant nation. We have been tolerating the caste system, subjugation of women, violence (based on region, religion and gender), class conflict, inequality, corruption, bureaucracy and incompetence for decades.

5) A true patriot respects the national symbols. This means that one holds the Lotus with great reverence ( especially since 2014), pretends he cares about the tiger, and Googles 'Who Is The National Bird' atleast once every year. But the most important function of the patriot is to offer knee-jerk reactions to anyone who doesn't stand up for our national anthem. While one must be as Gandhian as possible at first, we must also be ready to embrace the glory of violence whenever a person fails to respect the national anthem. But if you get a call from the visa office while the national anthem is in progress, don't flinch from going and taking that all important call which gets you to your dream university or job. The nation will understand and forgive.

6) While free speech has its pragmatic restrictions in the country, the internet is a dominion of free opinions and debates. When a part of any 'meaningful debate' on the online platforms, do go to severe lengths to defend your ideology- right or left. The use of cuss words, violent threats and labels of treason are a must. But always remember whether a Bhakt or a Comrade, victory is always determined by the government in power and its perception. Here's also a short guide on the Internet and Indian patriot:

   a. If you see an image which says, "Give one like for our brave army men", give it 2.
   b. Always believe the 'WhatsApp forwards' with their videos and pictures and the truth they convey about journalists, politicians, and businessmen over the news you read or watch.
   c. If any brand, page or publication makes a manipulative clickbaity video or campaign about patriotism or India, make sure you like, comment with your friends profile and personally message them with the link.

7) Lastly, always remember that Development and Growth ( for the elite atleast) are the paramount goals of the Indian democracy. The achievement of this goal should be done using a scale where one weighs the different 'shortfalls'. A corrupt and inefficient party setup ruled by a single political family for 67 years but you can get me the highest growth in a decade? You're hired. You probably conspired to kill 2,000 people in a pogrom to serve your fascist ideologue but you can promise me the best of times? Please sir, sit on the throne and save us.

I hope these tips do help you to lead a better life. But if I have left out any important insights or tips in this post, I do hope you forgive me and refer to your narcissistic, entitled Indian soul.

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